Classic Idiom
by LilyBolt
Summary: Post-removal of the Mark, Dean isn't feeling his best and Sam sets out to rectify the problem. . . An AU tag to 10x23 "Brother's Keeper". Written for rmurphy157. No slash.


**WARNING: Spoilers for 5x16 "Dark Side of the Moon" onward, but especially for 10x22 "The Prisoner" and 10x23 "Brother's Keeper".**

 **Author's Note: This is for rmurphy157, who requested I write a story regarding an extremely important object we all know and love. I won't say much more, but it did seem like a fitting topic to cover in celebration of my 50th story on this website. ;) Anyway, this is an AU story that takes place immediately after the events of 10x23 "Brother's Keeper". (It is an "AU" story since the actual events of 11x01 didn't go this way at all. lol) Enjoy! :)  
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 **Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural.**

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Sam had really wished that by this point he wouldn't need a metaphorical crowbar to get his brother to open up to him, but not all wishes come true.

For example, deep down the younger Winchester had known it was silly to hope that, post removal of the Mark, his brother would be back to his usual self straight away. But at first the threat of The Darkness kept Dean going almost exactly like the good old days and so Sam was able to pretend they were back to where they'd started; Just two brothers trying together to keep the world safe.

After the initial wave of Darkness attacked the Impala in front of the bar where Death had died (and yes, Sam was still torn between shock and amusement at the irony of the way Dean had literally slaughtered Death himself despite having stated such an act was impossible more than once in his life), The Darkness dispersed almost as quickly as it had appeared. It left no trace of itself, save for one very battered '67 Chevy and the two startled men inside.

The Impala was in no condition to make the drive from the dive bar to the Bunker, and since Castiel wasn't answering his cell, the brothers were left with little choice but to call a tow company for assistance. Unfortunately the bar where Dean had summoned Death wasn't exactly in a highly trafficked region of the state, which meant the wait would amount to several hours at least.

Sam and Dean seated themselves in the grass next to the ditch where Baby had ended up after The Darkness tossed her around, and both men were quiet. Sam, because he was basking in the relief of his brother's cure, and Dean because… Well, every once in a while Sam would sneak a glance at his brother only to find Dean staring off into space with an unusually tense expression. The elder Winchester sat mostly still, though occasionally he would pick at the grass near his legs like a nervous tick.

Sam resisted the urge to sigh as he finally confronted the reality that Dean had not bounced back from recent happenings quite so easily. There was just too much emotional baggage weighing him down.

Sam suspected the older man was now feeling the full weight of his actions whilst affected by the Mark, and soon Sam's thoughts turned from relief to problem solving. He needed to figure out a way to help Dean understand why he shouldn't feel so terrible about the things he had done. Preferably _before_ Dean's guilt consumed him like it inevitably would without some form of intervention.

He began sifting through his mental tool shed, seeking the right instrument to pry into Dean's feelings enough to help him let some out. Sam mulled the situation over for a few more minutes while the two men sat there in silence, until finally he decided a direct course of action would be most effective. He cleared his throat tentatively before saying, "Dean, can we please skip the part of this where you hide from what's eating at you and I tiptoe around you until we both crack and probably snap at each other?"

The bluntness of Sam's inquiry caused Dean to turn and stare at the younger man, a mix of shock and embarrassment settled across his features. He clearly wasn't thrilled to have been caught in the act of _feeling_ , least of all in the context of their current situation. Sam had anticipated such a reaction, of course. He'd even considered taking a much less forceful approach to the conversation, but eventually had concluded Dean would only find a way to avoid talking about things if he gave him even an inch of leeway.

Sam needed to cut right to the chase- to catch Dean off guard and hope he wasn't quick enough in his recovery to still evade the subject- and it didn't hurt that they had no place to go for the next few hours, so Dean couldn't lock himself in his room or drive off in his car like he typically would have.

"What?" Dean finally responded without looking at him, and though it wasn't much, it was still enough to let Sam know his foot was in the door.

"I'm going to be honest here, and I want you to pay me the same respect," Sam began cautiously. "I don't know a single person better than I know you, and that's including how well I know _me_ half the time, so I definitely know what I'm talking about when I say I can tell you're upset about everything that's happened. But you've _got_ to understand that I don't blame you for the situation," he explained, trying to catch his brother's shifting gaze.

In response to that last part Dean's eyes finally locked onto his. "You 'don't blame me'? I just killed Death! Because of me a monster that _God_ was afraid of got unleashed, and I've probably screwed over the whole damn world, and- No," Dean changed his tune on a dime, backtracking to say, "You know what? It's not those things. All that stuff does suck, but I'm not apologizing for it because the alternative would've been- I mean- It's just that on top of all that I almost-" Dean dropped his rant suddenly, turning away again. It was clear the topic he'd been getting to bothered him even more than any of the other things he had mentioned.

Sam suddenly remembered finding Castiel bloodied on the floor of the Bunker's library, his blade lodged in a book inches away from his chest, and the way the angel mournfully recounted the fight which had taken place between he and Dean.

Yet Sam could also recall the way that both Cas and himself had doubled their efforts to save his brother after that, which lead Sam to state with honesty, "It's already forgiven, Dean."

Dean's focus snapped back to him once more. "You can't be serious. You _shouldn't_ be serious. What I did... How the hell does that get forgiven, Sam?" he said, bitterness and self-loathing leaking into his voice.

"Easily. That's how," Sam replied confidently before adding, "Hey, he's been in those shoes before. You think he doesn't understand what it's like to hurt people you're close to when you're hyped up on something more powerful than yourself?"

Dean looked confused for a moment before saying, "You're talking about what I did to Cas, aren't you?"

Sam raised an eyebrow and replied, "You're not?"

Dean stared at the grass and slowly answered, "No. I definitely feel like a grade-A douche for that too, but I was talking about...you know..." Dean wouldn't say it outright, but the lack of ability to articulate only caused Sam to suspect he knew the core problem by this point. Sam remained quiet, waiting to see if Dean would work up the nerve to finally spit the words out on his own.

His patience was rewarded.

"I was talking about what I almost did to _you_ ," Dean finally blurted out, and suddenly he couldn't seem to stop words from pouring out of him. "You said Cas would understand what it's like to hurt people you're close to, but that doesn't even begin to cover what I just did. ' _Close to'_? Try 'live for'. You know that, Sam. I mean you _know_ I dedicated my whole freaking life to you. To keeping you safe, watching your back, whatever you needed, whenever. And I've screwed up loads of times before, I know that, and I'm sorry for all of it. I really am. But _this_? I didn't just screw up this time, Sam. I flat out _failed_. I mean I almost- almost- I-" Dean paused and managed to regain control at last with a deep, shuddering breath before he finally gave voice to what had been tormenting him since the actual event.

" _I almost killed you,"_ he stated with shame and disgust as if those words were toxic to him. They might as well have been, given how much emphasis Dean usually placed on keeping his little brother safe.

Sam had guessed something like that would come up eventually. He wasn't stupid enough to think his older brother- his self-proclaimed life-long guardian- would be able to totally ignore the fact that he'd held a scythe over his baby brother's head not even one hour ago...

But Sam had also been assuming the other stuff would eat away at Dean more; The Darkness being released (which Sam saw as being maybe 30 percent Dean's fault maximum, and the rest his own fault and Cas's), or the time Dean had beaten Castiel six ways from Sunday… But not the fact that he'd almost killed Sam, because Dean had to know that Sam wasn't angry about that, right? Wasn't it obvious he had forgiven his older brother before the near-execution had even begun?

Didn't Dean know Sam cared about him _unconditionally_?

Sam briefly recalled a selection of harsh words he had spewed at his older brother in their bunker's kitchen the previous year- statements he had made in a moment of anger and which he sorely regretted- and he had to consider the possibility that Dean still carried that memory deep down as well.

So he quickly fished around in his brain for a method of proving to his brother that he still appreciated and trusted him the same as he always had; that he still valued him most of all people in the world… Then the younger man remembered something he had carried with him to the bar. It was a small object in his pocket, and one which he had considered using to reach out to Dean earlier that day.

Sam shoved his hand into his jacket and retrieved the item, keeping it tucked safely in his closed fist as he addressed Dean at last.

" _Almost_. Exactly. You say that word like it's a crime, but you don't see the good in it that I do. You only see that you could have killed me, but _I_ see that you didn't- that I'm still standing because even when pure evil is testing you in every way imaginable, I can still trust that 'almost' is as far as you'll ever get. So I'm not angry at you, or betrayed or hurt or anything like that. Do you know what I am? Dean, I'm _grateful,_ " Sam insisted. Before Dean could protest, Sam grabbed his brother's hand and transferred the small metal object he'd been holding into his grip. "I gave you this before to show I had faith in you. Now I'm giving it to you again so you know that faith is still there, and always will be," Sam stated firmly.

Dean slowly opened his palm to reveal the tiny golden amulet Sam had gifted to him when they were kids. Surprise lit the elder Winchester's face immediately, along with at least a dozen other emotions Sam could barely keep up with.

He seemed lost for words while he ran his thumb over the metal, his face a perfect picture of nostalgia. "Why do you have this?" he finally managed to ask in a hoarse voice.

"Uh, well… I figured you might turn to Death at some point to get around the Mark's whole immortality deal, and so I wanted something I could use to bargain with him not to listen to you. I had this crazy thought that maybe God has gone off the grid because he's getting old and doesn't want Death to find him. You told me once that Death would eventually reap God, remember? Anyway, I thought that if I could give Death an amulet that would help him locate God, then maybe I could trade it for him not killing you if you ever asked him to. I've been carrying it with me since you went missing, just in case," Sam confessed. "I know it would have been a long shot, but desperate times, you know?" he added, shrugging awkwardly.

Dean shook his head and said, "That's not what I meant, though kudos to you for outside-the-box thinking. I guess I meant to ask _how_ you have this. I remember when I, um..." he let the sentence hang, and Sam knew he was referencing the time in which he had callously tossed the charm in the trash of a motel room. The action had been the result of a swell of disappointment in Sam, and of course Sam had been devastated by the gesture and its implications. But when Dean wasn't looking he had retrieved the necklace, hoping there would come a day when his brother would be willing to take it back. Now he was desperately hoping that day had arrived.

"You remember when you threw it out?" Sam finished the sentence for him. "It was just a motel bin, man. Not Mount Doom. I picked it up after you walked out of the room. I just- I don't know. I felt wrong leaving it there," Sam replied, shifting uncomfortably. A paranoid part of him still feared that Dean was actually disappointed the amulet had been saved.

His concerns were abated as soon as Dean supplied, "I'm sorry. I felt like major crap the minute I tossed it but I was being a stubborn ass so I left it there anyway. I've regretted it for years, you know that? 'Cause I really thought I'd lost it for good…" His voice trailed off once more as he inspected the little gold charm with fondness.

Then he turned his eyes to Sam and the younger man could see all the remorse and pain Dean was feeling, but he could also see something akin to hope blossoming there. Sam realized Dean must be experiencing ill-founded reservations of his own about the amulet. He surely doubted if Sam really would be ok with him wearing it again after everything he'd done, both in the recent past and the more distant.

Dean asked, "Why didn't you give me this instead of those pictures?"

Sam immediately understood Dean was referring to the photos he had presented him with back when Dean was getting ready to kill Sam and isolate himself for eternity; the pictures Sam had intended to remind Dean of the man he was before taking on the Mark of Cain.

"I wasn't sure it would be as helpful," Sam admitted, then back-peddled when he saw the dismay spreading across his brother's face. "Because I know Mom is someone that can get through to you no matter what. Even when you were a demon I heard you playing 'Hey Jude' on a piano, just like she used to sing to you. So I knew seeing her would definitely make a difference."

Dean's expression still reflected guilt that Sam had doubted the importance of the necklace to him, so Sam tried to move their conversation in a more positive direction. "Are you planning to just stare at it all day or will you ever actually put the thing on?" he teased, hoping the joke might alleviate some of his brother's distress.

The elder man didn't laugh, but he did raise the black chord and gingerly, almost reverently, lower the necklace over his head. When the amulet at last settled against Dean's chest, Sam could see his demeanor change instantly. The difference would have been imperceptible to anyone else, but Sam wasn't just anybody. He picked up on the way the lines on Dean's face smoothed ever-so-slightly, save for the tiny ones in the corners of his eyes that crinkled more with the kind of honest happiness Sam hadn't seen there in at least a year or two.

It was the first real step on Dean's road back to his old self.

"Thank you Sammy," Dean said, then paused for a moment before adding in his most serious tone, "And I want you to know- You need to understand how much I-I love y-" He stumbled over his words as moisture pooled against his eyes, increasing the vibrancy of their green color.

Sam smiled knowingly at his brother and cut in, saying, "You love it. I know, I love it too."

Dean managed to flash a half-grin in return even as his shoulders began to quake, causing a single tear to escape down his cheek.

Sam knew his brother had never been good at opening up and _saying_ much, but _doing_ was a whole other story. Dean was a perfect example of the classic idiom, 'actions speak louder than words'.

Then again, that was true for both of them, wasn't it?

Like Sam had recovered the amulet from that trash bin five years prior, and Dean had chosen not to kill his little brother even when the stakes of not doing so were incredibly high.

Or like Sam had just given Dean back the object that represented all the words they never used, and how in response, Dean reached forward and pulled him into a tight embrace that expressed everything their words could not.

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 **Secondary Author's Note: Thanks for reading! If you have a moment, please do leave feedback. It is greatly appreciated! :)  
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 **GRATITUDE: Thank you so much to each and every one of my readers/reviewers. Some of you have been with me since the very beginning of my time on this site, while some of you I met more recently. But _all_ of you have been such outstanding sources of support and encouragement to me, and have played a huge role in helping me reach 50 stories. :D  
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